There are ways to divide society in conversations covering politics, religion and whether pineapple belongs on pizza, but none are as revealing as this; ‘are you a cat person or a dog person?’
This is not a casual preference, it’s a personality test disguised as a pet choice.
Dog people will tell you they love dogs because dogs are loyal, loving, and always happy to see you.
All of which are true, dogs greet you like you’ve just returned from a heroic voyage, even if you’ve only stepped outside to check the letter box.
There is no playing it cool with a dog and they never pretended they didn’t miss you.
Cat people, on the other hand, say they like cats because they’re independent and low maintenance.
Which is a very polite way of saying ‘this animal could take me or leave me, and I respect that’.
Dog people want to be loved loudly and with enthusiasm.
They want a creature that says, ‘You are the centre of my universe and also possibly made of snacks’.
Cat people want to earn it, they want a slow burn and a relationship built on mutual respect, quiet judgement and the occasional head nod of approval.
A dog will follow you from room to room like a slightly confused bodyguard.
A cat will watch you from a distance like a supervisor who is documenting your mistakes.
Dog people say things like, ‘He’s just happy to be here’.
We restructure our lives around animals that have no idea what’s going on.
That we even have pets at all is incredible considering the work and expenses that come with owning one.
We go out, look at them and say, ‘Yes, we’ll take the financial burden with fur’.
That’s what a pet is, it’s a bill that blinks and we fall for it every time.
Every pet I have ever owned has come with multiple hidden expenses.
Deworming medications, desexing, vet check ups, microchip implanting, and Elizabethan-style head cones designed to stop the licking of wounds.
One of our dogs was bitten by a paralysis tick and required a veterinary hospital stay that cost hundreds of dollars.
We also had a Rottweiler who was loyal and loving.
When he reached old age his back legs gave out and he couldn’t climb the back steps to reach the lounge room on the second floor.
Every afternoon after work, my husband carried him up the steps, then back down again before we went to bed.
Around four years ago we moved to a house on a huge property with no fence.
Our dogs were long gone, and our daughter was desperate for a pet.
I thought long and hard because falling in love with an animal always ends in grief.
We decided to get two male guinea pigs and keep them inside a large roaming enclosure in the house.
The lifespan of a guinea pig is about eight years and they are relatively easy to take care of.
Enter Caramel Ginger Ninja and Barry, a pair of bonded boars we bought at a pet shop.
Caramel was the most entertaining and charismatic piggy I have ever known.
But he developed lung problems around the three year mark.
There were vet visits and medication, then as he got worse we were referred to an exotic pet vet.
We were told to buy him a nebuliser and to keep that running next to his enclosure and the little purple hut he slept in.
I live in a small regional town and there are only two pharmacies.
I spoke to the pharmacist about a $70 nebuliser they had for sale and half way through the conversation remembered to explain it was for a guinea pig and not a human child.
‘He’s not breathing properly and when he does, there’s a bubbling sound’ I explained.
‘I need to make sure the nebuliser is close to his little hut and he’s able to inhale the steam’.
‘How old is the child and why is he living in a little hut, also … please take him to the hospital because I think that’s what is needed, not a nebuliser’, he said, and I explained the patient a guinea pig and a child.
At the end of the day, dog, cat or guinea pig even, it doesn’t really matter.
All groups willingly handed over control of their homes, their routines, and their dignity …to something that licks its own feet.
And when it comes to guinea pigs, that means cleaning up droppings that have made the same journey twice.
